Owl: *taps on window*

Harry: Shaddup. I know you are Mrs. Dorkface. Not an owl bringing a newspaper. Everything was a dream. No Hagrid. No keys. *sniffs* No keys. And I really want keys. You know. Keys.

Hagrid: Yeah. Keys. Now get your bum up so I can do some hocus pocus with the boat.

Harry: Pimp.

Hagrid: Stop the pimp so I can read the newspaper.

Harry: Oh! So it WAS an owl with a newspaper. Pim-

Hagrid: SHADDUP!

Boat: *says thank you to the pink umbrella for helping him getting the giant and the ickle boy on the coast*

Zenix: Boats cannot talk.

BaPo: And you’re saying pink umbrellas can hear?

Zenix: Well d’oh. It’s MAGIC.

Harry: I wanna talk to the pink umbrella too!

BaPo: You’ll get your chance I promise *skips to the Leaky Cauldron*

Doris Crockford: *shakes Harry’s hand like mad*

Harry: No touching. I am FAMOUS. You can look at me though.

JK: …

Zenix: *starts dragging JK away*

JK: HEY I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!

Zenix: Now you did. BYE.

Quirrell: He.. he… hello… I am pr… professor Squirrel.

Harry: Funny name… And stop stuttering. Pretend like you don’t have the maniac who killed my parents in the back of your head.

Quirrell: N… no dark l… lord. V… V… Vampire in Romania. N… no fun.

Zenix: OMG EDWARD!!! *poofs to Romania*

Hagrid: *taps on third brick above the bin*

Harry: Why the third?

Hagrid: Because JK likes the number. I have a three-headed dog, Kennilworthy Whisp has three cats, yer gonna travel three hours back in time some day, and Hermione Granger, a future friend of yers, needs three hours to prepare for the Yule Ball. Oh, and the Triwizard Tournament has three participating schools, three champions, three tasks… And that same Hermione Granger will once sit three seats to the right of yeh.

Harry: Oh. *shifteyes*

Hagrid: Let’s go to Gringotts. Getting yer money.

Harry: Cool.

Hagrid: *empties other vault first*

Harry: What’s in there?

Hagrid: Something wrapped in brown paper.

Harry: *stares*

Zenix: *stares back*

BaPo: Back, are we?

Zenix: Wrong vampire.

Time: *flies*

Harry: Buy me an owl.

Hagrid: No.

Harry: NOW.

Hagrid: *buys owl*

Harry: Yaye. Now I can call her Hedwig because I enjoy reading school books – especially History of Magic – and naming my pet after some crazy old hag is something I always wanted to do.

Readers: Great. Another lame name.

Hagrid: Now I’m gonna hand yer a ticket and not telling how to get on the platform. Otherwise yeh will be friendless, pal.

Harry: Oh k. Buh bye then.

JK: Really. You’re messing it up. Like… Really.

BaPo: Meet Gryffindor.